Supporter Jan 2025
28, suburban white, Aries, she/her, Fortitude Valley, Queensland, Australia
androg, bi, femme, gay, mtf, neuro, pan, ???
am i depressed or am i just tired!
i can never really tell, it's probably both tbh
I got so many things already just storing them in tiny little boxes that are already full
maybe i'll start looking when i have money again after paying off all these expensive things i've just spent a fortune on oiushdgoeuhrgoehrg why does hair cost so much to dress
Like some needs/wants just sit in me and if I cant resolve them theyre resigned to the "try and just suppress it" pile. Like there's nothing i can do to resolve them so all I can do is just try reduce the harm that comes from suppressing them.
But i just keep feeling really cute wearing these elf ears
https://litter.catbox.moe/spstdsnc92fu8v0p.jpg
To just be with more people, mainly more trans people. Like its just this strong desire to be more social wait thats actually what it is. I just for the first time in my life actually want to be social with people. Huh. Interesting.
Implant has been paid for just gotta hope they send it fast so I can finallyyyyyyy get my estrogen implant put in. Also fingers crossed my GP let's me start prog too when I get it done
Since my meltdown over the weekend. I think I've actually figured out a name that speaks to me but im unsure. How do I know i want to change my name? Do I have dysphoria with my current name or is it just clinging to the known and familiar? Too great a leap of faith to just try
The argument of losing weight is running circles in my head so much today im so tired. There's way too many thoughts. God I hope the dietician helps cause i would love to get these thoughts under control and not constantly live suffering like this
Just remembered like 3 months ago when I went shopping for jackets I tried on this dress and wanted to get it but was too scared to. Gdi I should've gotten it I just remembered that dress and wish I got it
but need to gain weight for hrt
literally just want this gut gone or at least be more proportional to the rest of my body. plus it really is depressing just everytime i see a cute ring or necklace cause they never fit
Im able to actually cry and feel things now and turns out that actually helps with depressive episodes? I dont have to just hold it all in and wait weeks for it to go away. Bless the estrogen
agonising being stuck at work still. I just want to go home and get so high I stop existing. I cant take it i cant handle the thoughts but everything is so slow. At least I've managed to stop crying for now
estrogen making me cry at work making everything worse because its making me have to actually sit down to stop so people dont see me and start asking questions. I dont know what i want or need all I know is i cant focus on anything, the depressive thoughts have full control
happiest id ever been in my life. god what fucking delusional idiot
just feel more depressed and worse about myself lmao
all i want to do is curl up into a ball and die
First ever house party was really fun but wow was not expecting feelings of not being trans enough to happen lmao. Dressing the most femme i ever have and yet it still wasnt enough because I haven't changed my name and haven't had time to voice train at all.
fuck
https://files.catbox.moe/jgdhod.jpg
https://files.catbox.moe/0tt4nb.jpg
Christ the difference I cant really believe it
Going out in a skirt again today. I feel like i can go nearly anywhere in it now. I think im ready to just be out to everyone except coworkers and family djdjfjfjcjsjdjcjf
about my hips being "child rearing" and i know it was a joke (not at my expense) but like i'm gonna try take that as like damn people are noticing now wow finally there are changes
I think im setting more solid goals rn like:
I want to make more in person friends, I miss being able to hang out with a group of friends
I wanna get more confident with clothes
I wanna tackle makeup
I wanna get my eyebrows done so I have a baseline of how to keep them
doing a food diary for my dietician and it feels so weird having to admit I ate things. Like I just feel ashamed of some of the things I've eaten and like yeah i can justify them but still dfsoghseroighnoiersghnserg
Home now. I did it. I'm happy I did. Thankfully nothing happened and it was solely my anxiety that was making it hard. I want to get better. Styling my hair differently has really really helped because it actually looks nice now and I like it and it feels good.
Made it to the cinema in one piece djdjfjfjwjfd only got a little lost and terrified and only a few disgusted looks sjfjfjdjg
https://litter.catbox.moe/qa5non06qxqq61sz.jpg
Brainstorms won so im wearing a skirt actually outside for the first time, to go watch the chainsaw man movie ejsjdjdjd
https://litter.catbox.moe/3m55sj9fwc015hcv.jpg
The fear is palpable sjdjduxufudhdhdjduufxu
Am I just tired? Am I just embarrassed about being annoying? Am I lacking something? Am i just depressed? Is it someone else? Am i just craving something? Am I just horny? Why do I just feel so hollow
https://litter.catbox.moe/ffujl4ffyjakigf0.jpg
Really cute pencil hair clip my boyfriend got me while we were in San Francisco
https://litter.catbox.moe/vwv4b3qxvn2ho3j0.jpg
MY GP APPROVED AN IMPLANT PRESCRIPTIONNNNNNNNNNNN
Gonna order it ASAP then be like ok now gimme prog
Think it came out ok, dunno how i feel about it still
https://litter.catbox.moe/6y0lbgwpudy2bwz5.jpg
just wanna be held and have someone else take over everything
also bracing myself for plans being cancelled or forgotten about again cause im depressed enough i dont wanna be blindsided too
I thought I was feeling good but I sat down and the hidden depression engulfed me. yippeeeeeeee
it never ends and never gets better
Cant let anyone else do things for me cause im so anal about how to do them / used to people just not putting in the effort for me and half assing things
Its always "just do it, they wont do it the way u want and itll annoy u and youll feel like shit for thinking that about em"
when i get overwhelmed with large scale things that need doing ive just started shutting down and moving at a snail's pace. I can't do anything about it except just keep pushing through it all. it won't end with reward or rest just a lighter load eventually
god life sucks