Supporter Jan 2025
28, suburban white, Aries, she/her, Fortitude Valley, Queensland, Australia
androg, bi, femme, gay, mtf, neuro, ???
4 hours of sleep across 48 hours + 13 hours running around San Francisco + taking my estrogen just before the flight lead to me bawling my eyes out at the end of encanto on the plane, so much so I then watched it again just to cry even more
One strong cocktail and my face is warm and im buzzed. 3 cocktails and im straight tipsy. Its great I dont have to spend that much on alcohol to enjoy the effects!
Basically what im saying is hello please ply me with alcohol im very cheap in that aspect
Just had one of the best days of my life but its being suppressed by constant nightmares putting me down. Just wanna crawl up in the fetal position and cry its so unfair
Highlight absolutely being staying up until 3am with new friends after the wedding just talking about random shit and jokingly a lot. I wish I could hang out with friends in person often like that.
God what a beautiful wedding... renaissance theme was massive success so perfect
Having a great time here, just wish my brain wasnt trying to sabotage it all
We made it safelyyyyyy customs was fine for the most part. Partner got his fingerprints taken down probably because he had his name and gender changed on his passport but other than that and me being taken aside for my titanium screw in my wrist we're safe now for New Orleans!!!!
I feel crazy like why the hell am I about to ENTER the US. its only for a week but im so terrified ofimmigration on entering the country like its a lot of money thrown away if we get turned back or god forbid we get detained
Oh shit its like hundreds of items too
*changes sort to be just my size*
Oh cool 1 item and its a shitty sweater i cant wear because my hyperhidrosis great and its about to be summer.
Why do i bother waking up in the morning when its always this
Im left with some people in my life offering to help, going "hey we should do this" but its low priority for them, for them its a fun hang, for me im so desperate and scared its like a lifeline, and it eats away at me until it finally happene it kills me that im like this.
Its why i hate having nothing but my thoughts because it will always circle this drain that leads to only one place. Even when im preoccupied with work or plans with friends theyre still there just maybe dulled. But when im alone or lose focus they seize control and im powerless
So im always just left with these conflicting feelings like wanting so bad to just say fuck it and fully come out but also being so fucking terrified. Feeling so alone but also feeling mpre connected and seen by people close. Its like the closer i get the more it hurts eitjer way
It doesnt help i feel like an outsider still and disconnected from any semblence of community. I know some local trans people even a few transfemmes and even have a monthly support group, but i never feel like one of them or part of some community or belonging. Eternal outsider.
its always "reach out anytime!" and I know that positive reinforcement is there but i cant help but be afraid of it, of any false hope it brings.
I cant reach out im petrified with terror by everything. Im so frozen by the fear of being wrong or ignorant. So incredibly scared.
Still feel im just skirtin the edges of transition, doin small things like laser, using the excuse of waiting 4 hrt milestones, too scared to be out, to get/do things wrong, be so ignorant on basics etc
Got makeup and femme clothes but never use any even at home. Just too scared
i'm tired, i'm sick, the thoughts have won and taken over. i get it i'm not worthy of anything except hate, i'm wasting my time, i'm going too slow, i'm too much of a coward and a hypocrite. i wanna be better but boy howdy do i keep proving i'm not. i'm so laughably a waste
I said, lying to myself, hoping it would help but instead I've woken up more depressed than I was yesterday yippee go me. Can't even afford to just sit here and cry over it all cause I gotta go to work.
And im still sick! Great!
Of course i was too big
But instead its just this insurmountable overbearing mess of anxiety, fear, criticism, and shame. I just cant do it. ugh
But everytime I close much eyes I start crying and feeling so much emotional pain. idk whats going on. Why now. Its so painful so many thoughts and worries and deep insecurities.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY AM I LIKE THIS QHY CANT I STOP THINKING ABOUT MY STOMACH FAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Decide to personify my self critic as 16 year old me but more put together. Like I KNOW why cause I know my psyche but like whyyyyyy dude cmon it could've been anything and you went for that lame ass loser
I saw the girl im trying to let out of me staring back at me in the mirror.
No bad thoughts, no criticism, no remorse or pain, just beauty and joy.
I wanna feel like that every day
Gotta get a good pair of shoes that look good and will last a while cause I keep walking everywhere and my shoes are NOT keeping up. The $300 price tag on them is a fucking nightmare though hhhhhh maybe a Christmas present to myself
To absolutely plummet your mood and make you afraid of everything again. Brain has gotta keep myself humble i guess.
Fuck I hate my brain.
But The Wombats were so fuckinng goooooooood wish they played Your Body Is A Weapon and Jump Into The Fog but im greedy and already got the rest of my favourite tonight
Now on 6mg a dayyyy. Gonna ask next hrt check up to go up again if this works out cause he said we could add gel or patches then when high go to an implant, then immediately ask for prog when im at 6 months cause I want that shit yesterdayyyyyyy
and dress up for this concert, but my only pair of shoes that wouldve gone with the outfit are too small and have fallen apart so there goes that idea duoighoruighseouirhgserg. curse these big feet cant get anything cute. fuck man why does this have to be so hard
keep looking at this email from my doctor where it's got "Miss ___ _____" in the subject line and like fuck just seeing "miss" with my name is making me real emotional. like i still dunno if i wanna change my name but just god im feelin shit fam
Its not even i want to pass because i dont care about passing, i just wanna be comfortable and be recognisably trans. Its slowly killing me being constantly just confidently seen as male still no matter what small steps I take.
WELL IT'S FESTIVAL TICKETS BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE OTHER ACTS YES I KNOW I'M THE PROBLEM BUT I DON'T CARE AT ALL I GET TO SEE CHAPPEL ROANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
god i hope i'm confident enough to dress femme by feb next year;;
so many conflicting emotions and its agony. keep having dreams about it but i know it aint gonna happen for a real long time if ever again. someone just lobotomise me or something cause ths patience shit is starting to hurt and it's barely begun
"Im perpetually doing all these things because i know if I dont im going to want to kill myself more and I just want to be able to live a life where I dont need to do things for that reason. I blitz everything because I want them done 10 yrs ago and Im so far behind"
Depression!
jesus christ shes so beautiful and those fucking outfits oh my god kill me shes so perfect i cant stop staring at the pictures and watching the clips from the tour oh my god