25, white, Scorpio, they/he, Peterborough, England, United Kingdom
Uhhhh I like girls, I’m autistic, fat, extremely mentally ill. Affection scares meI think I need to explore being transmasc more.
Get more comfortable with my body. Buy new clothes that fit me.
Draw more transmascs, self expression.
Try to figure out how to decouple my dysphoria from my art more.
Lots of things I should do.
You know.. maybe I have been putting trans women on a pedistol.
Like, all I’d learn about was transfem issues, and then never consider my own.
Maybe that’s why I was called a chaser? Cause I never explored my own perspective, but projected onto transfems instead.
I just realised.. my brain thought trans men aren’t inherently queer. Only trans women. Like, for a trans man to be queer, it thought you had to not be masculine to be accepted.
Why? Why the fuck did I think that? Being trans is queer, I belong in the community DAMN IT!
Maybe I like.. could be a trans man and still hang out in the lesbian community?
I dunno, if he/him butches are okay maybe I could show up to hang too..
Legit, realising I’m a man shook me so much I’ve been hiding in fear of lesbians breaking down my door or something.
I’m like 5’8, overweight, hairy, have a neckbeard, have large shoulders.
The younger transmascs looked at me like I was terrifying,
Like I’m 25, they where all like 19, maybe I’m what they where scared of turning into?
I don’t want to leave the house, but just to help me cope.. I’m gonna wear clothes I like. Instead of walking around with no pants on every day.
I’m genuinely miserable, but little things might help me see the sun again today.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I think.. “yooo I look like I have moobs awesome”, but I put any shirt on and the tightness of it makes me dysphoric about my chest again.
So I gotta put on an unfitting binder again. To stay sane.
Sigh.. I want a reduction.
I’m thinking.. maybe I know more about trans women than I do about trans men. I don’t see myself reflected back, I don’t see my own experiences or struggles. I see one that’s similar, but not exactly mine.
And, I need to be more comfortable with being trans.
Actively trying to read up and find posts discussing transmasc struggle more, so I can soothe and get rid of this “boy bad, girl good” mentality stuck in my brain. It’s so unhealthy, I can’t believe this shit has been taking over my brain the last month..
1 day agoI think trans inclusionary radfem shit got into my brain somehow, and it’s made me think that to be fem/queer is to be subversive. My own personal desires are just reinforcing the status quo, and nobody actually likes men.
Maybe I need to fight it more. It feels like rot.