25, white, Scorpio, they/he, Peterborough, England, United Kingdom
butch, disabled, enby, ftm, lesbian, man, masc, ???
It’s really easy for me to get anxious and want to hide back in my hole.
I wish it wasn’t so.
Just chilling, little scared to post queer stuff on the internet again but maybe I can open up again slowly.
People do like the stuff I make.. it’s just having someone argue with me about it’s just left me scared.
I gotta crawl outta this hole again, I can do it. It’s okay.
You know if you have to invalidate and make binary the identities of other queer people to validate binary trans people..
isn’t that just throwing half of us under the bus?
Why do I have to conform to your idea of transness? We’re all ants here!
We kinda just yelled at each other for a while, but I guess we’re gonna just take a break and see if some time apart makes it better.
I dunno, it feels like since the alters showed up I’ve practically been a different person.
Do we even have anything in common anymore?
I gotta be honest I am not a woman, there are parts of growing up that are apart of the gender I liked, but I was always a weird feral creature of a child.
And as an adult, the only thing I am not is a woman. And I’m still a lesbian, I love being a lesbian!! AUGHHH!!
Is sexuality just so focused on cishet men that even being Butch4Butch is viewed through that same lense?
Is queerness just so foreign to some people?! You have to soften it and be gender conforming, or else you’re trying to be cis?!
What the fuck is going on!
Why the fuck does being a lesbian in your head mean only liking femmes, WHY CAN’T I LIKE MASCULINITY?! I’M NOT BISEXUAL, I DONT LIKE CIS MEN, JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WHERE GAY BEFORE COMING OUT AS PAN DOESNT MEAN I AM! I’M NOT YOU!! SO STOP IT!!
Ugh, sounds like my mother
If someone’s making comments on stuff I like and making me feel like shit, I SHOULD YELL AT THEM!
HEY AM I A MURDERER? NO!
WELL STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I’M TOO QUEER AND NEED TO BE CLOSETED TO BE LIKED! MY GENDER AND SEXUALITY AREN’T YOURS TO DECIDE FOR ME!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
I dunno, I just wanted to be self indulgent and draw silly lesbian art. Is it bad to headcannon cishet men as lesbians? Am I doing a bad thing if I want my favourite characters to have the same identity as me? Or draw them being cute and queer?
Am I hurting anyone? No.
Even if she doesn’t mean to hurt me, she keeps feeding into my intrusive thoughts.
Like she shared this meme she found, and it was like that queerslop meme.
I know she was just joking, but it’s just made my head think “we need to stop drawing masc lesbians and stop being queer”
I feel bad.
Everyone’s going to yell at me.
I’m gonna get called sensitive.
I started having a mental breakdown in vents, and spirling, and the intrusive thoughts where hurting me again.
I was probably making everyone sad. They’re all nice people, I’m a problem. I keep fucking up
Tried to share the stuff I’ve been venting about in the server I keep talking about, and immediately I got distracted by intrusive thoughts about remaking myself into a feminine form so they’d like me and accept me. God it hurts. I don’t want that. It hurts my head.
Maybe that’s why I’m so disatisfied with that server I was in, cause I’m trying to accept myself more as Transmasc and like myself more, but it feels like.. I can’t share it with them? Like they’re not interested. Maybe they all liked me more when I was transfem focused..? sigh.
Maybe my friend was right? The chaser vibes she meant must’ve been that, I wasn’t transfem but it was the only trans community I had. So I projected onto other people’s experiences instead of accepting myself as transmasc.
Cause it was the only lense I had to understand transness
I think I used to be really uncomfortable with myself and it caused me to project myself into a transfem narrative instead of my own.
It’s a little.. unsettling to look back on.
Cause I keep finding self inserts that’re just, versions of me girlmoding as transfem?
Drawing lesbians with weird genders is awesome and actually made me feel so much better god damn
I gotta draw more weird queers and crossdressing, it’s so freeing :D
Yippeee yippeeee!
Lesbian masculinity is just so hated, so undervalued and underappreciated. Trying to talk to other sapphics about masc lesbians and getting crickets, and being unable to find much yuri about butches.. ugh.
I keep having to make it myself there ain’t enough! I’m only one queer!
If the two genders are trans woman and cis man, then what am I?
She got confused, if I’m not trying to be a cis man then I don’t make sense to her.
There is man, there is woman, and then there’s whatever you are. Some third thing?
It’s more complicated than that, but oh well..
I think maybe I’ve just ended up in a lot of transfem majority spaces, and the unsaid dismissal of transmascs has just fucked with my head.
For them masculinity is poisonous and cis.
It feels like they expect me to firfil the role of a cis man for them? Like nothing else exists.
I feel like I’ve just ripped open an old wound.
Trans women deserve the world, and I deserve nothing. I’m nothing. Nobody likes men.
As I get older and transition, everyone will see me and think I’m going to hurt them. Trans women only become more beautiful, and I deserve nothing
Look.. it’s fine to have preferences. But I feel like I’m surrounded by people who don’t think people like me are attractive.
And when someone starts complaining “I think obesity is gross”, yeah I’m taking that personally!
And my health is none of her business!! AUGHH!!
I feel like my own identity is judged and decided on by what transfems in my life think about it, and I can’t relate to the ones I know anymore!
I’m sorry I’m not into femmes as much anymore! I’m sorry I’m masculine, why do you want me to be just like a cis man?! It hurts!
My stupid friend.. she keeps hurting me and making my OCD worse by not understanding transmascs or lesbians AT ALL. She keeps arguing I must be binary because she can’t understand my complexities, she called me a chaser, and insisted butch4butch I posted wasn’t lesbian?! AUGHHH
Dunno if this is my self hatred talking, but trans girls paying attention to me is like this deep feeling of acceptance washes over me. Like, you accept this monster? This horrible thing that only exists to hurt you?
..Thank you, I’m sorry for existing.
I don’t feel confident that I won’t ghost them. It keeps happening, I get scared and overwhelmed, and then I just stop talking until someone threatens me and I leave.
It’s probably best I just let them down now, I don’t want to hurt anyone and I feel really stupid..
Joined yet another random person’s game project, and then immediately I feel like I’m going to disappoint them and I haven’t worked hard enough.
Do I have the skills? Yeah. But I’m going to fuck up and I should probably leave before I disappoint everyone
Only a matter of time :(
Okay me and the boys (my alters) are back to work on drawing porno.
Got plenty of bad sleep, and I still have a backlog to upload, but eh.
I’ve got that early morning energy that gets compleatly replaced with incoherent thoughts as the day goes on!
Hey if I don’t remember a couple years, and you don’t remember a couple years..
Then how old am I again? What year is it?
/j
Currently realising despite being 25 I’m like, incredibly goofy and childish. And I end up attracting slightly younger people who in the inverse had to grow up too fast and now do drugs and make wreckless decisions.
Must be the trauma and autism, but honestly it kinda works out.
I don’t know how to make a CV in the first place I don’t think getting a job is something I know how to jump through hoops for?
It’s a lot of work just to get there and overwelming.. I’d have to reformat my entire life!
I’m usually really shy with letting my fictives show up around people unless I trust them.
But one thing that worries me I’ve noticed, is one of them has trouble seeing fanart of himself. It’s been giving him migraines. I think we might need to stop going on social media so much
Well I suppose what makes me unique from other Tenna’s is that I’m butch!
You can’t get the same lesbian man charm from any other Tenna! <3
I’m a unique blend! One of a KIND!
Awkward time to mention I have a Tenna fictive in my system isn’t it..? Haha..
I’m flattered really!