26, white jewish, Scorpio, they/he, Peterborough, England, United Kingdom
aro, butch, disabled, enby, ftm, lesbian, system, ???
🎥 Projecting my mental illnesses onto strangers on the internet. For being too relatable and funny.
💿 [Goes on one knee, lays your autism paperwork out on a pillow] My lady.. your diagnosises await
🅿️ WHILE I WAS IN A LECTURE ON COMMODIFICATION???
🎥 Is his grave going to be like Thatcher’s and turned into a public urinal?
🔌 I HOPE SO! Let’s go on a road trip :)
🅿️ I’ve been doodling and dissociating for like.. 40 minutes straight..
🪬 Our teacher critiqued my synopsis of the lecture, and it’s given me more energy to try tackling this task he’s given me.
My writing really isn’t the best.. but I can always improve.
🎥 I dunno I think mpreg jokes aren’t that bad. Pregnancy is a pretty funny thing the body does.
I think it becomes bad when you start implying it makes someone less of a man, or it makes them submissive, feminine, lesser than other (cis) men.
You know what I mean?
⚡️ The lecture was about the commodification of reality, and I kept thinking about VR, and how a lot of companies sell your data, and sell the promise of friendship, and just a lot of modern internet age questions..
Really makes me want to make something about this..
⚡️ Making me think about how maybe the desperation we felt about finding representation in media, was a search for a simulacra of community.
…I feel like that’s something we could explore. It’s interesting how capitalism uses people’s loneliness like puppets.
🎥 I need to learn how to play mahjong, and eat fake candy cigarettes.
That’s gender affirmation to me.
Kinda interesting I keep yearning about vices and roach-like behaviour, like gambling and being a slob.. huh..
🎥 Is destroy the borders of gender and start dressing and acting like a gay boy who likes women, and takes butches up the ass
🎥 Arrange a play date with your alters who you think would get along.
Espesually if they’re the therians. Let them roam around and play
🎥🫶✨💖✨🌈🏳️🌈✨💖
DONT LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPIRIT
🎥 And I hope your girlbortion goes great
🎥 Just shoved Pester out the front seat cause I want to think about st4t again. Oh well.
There’s just something about a Tgirl becoming a stunning femme, and a Tboy a stunning bear, and having straight sex at the gay pride parade…
🅿️ What I’m saying sucks here, is that I’m feeling this pressure against queer masculinity. Basically saying I need to detransition, become softer and more palitable for others, so I’m not seen as a threatening queer.
God, it’s radical feminism.
🅿️ Not to imply I’m still not privledged as a white person by the way.. I’m just saying I can really notice how you get treated when you’re viewed as a cis white woman who can give birth and uphold white supremacist values VS being a queer.
🅿️ I think by transitioning I lost a lot of the privledges of a white woman. Which is good, I hated the infantilisation. It makes me dysphoric thinking I’m seen as a woman at all.
But also, the masculinity I love to express is seen as a threat. Even among other trans people..
🅿️ See I don’t think I hate anyone, unless they’re a bigot or a purposeful unapologetic abuser.
I always blame myself, always give other people the benefit of the doubt. So I just assumed if they where scared of me, it must be because I’m too.. large and intimidating.
🅿️ Noo wait I think there was one Transmasc I knew who didn’t cower in fear of me. He had a doctor who special interest and dressed like a charming little nerd.
He tried to get me to watch Coronation Street cause a doctor who actor was in it.
Great guy, honestly.
🅿️ I had two transfem friends who where really cool, but I feel bad there was this one transfem who sat next to me. And she would talk to her friend loudly and trigger my meltdowns.
I wish I could’ve told her I didn’t hate her, and I thought her blue hair was cool..
🅿️ Honestly near the end of College, I felt really ostracised by the Transmascs in my class. Like I was older than them and further in transition, and they looked really scared of me all the time.
Probably more likely the mental health problems, but was it cause I was masculine?
⚡️ University is taking too much out of us.
🅿️ Every night it’s like, I have to flop and have no energy to do homework. Like at all.
🎥 I’m just fucking chugging Lipton Peach Ice Tea to survive
💿 Atleast it’s not an energy drink addiction
⚡️ I touched somebody’s hand I don’t feel normal
🅿️ Last Friday I lightly touched someone’s arm.. we’re so fucking touch starved
⚡️ The dysphoria is back I feel like everyone is looking at us and seeing a woman, and infantilising us, and looking down on us, and thinking we’re hysterical and I hate it I hate it
I fucking hate this jumper so much
⚡️ A lot of us in our system.. really love cuteness. And cute girls.
But we don’t like looking cute, cause it feels too feminine.
I dunno. We’ve never been a very cute looking person, or someone who’s wanted to be cute in the first place.
⚡️ And our nails made a heart, look
https://files.catbox.moe/d7pkac.jpeg
⚡️ Cute…
🅿️ I still have a neckbeard, I’m still kinda ugly. I’m fine.
I took a picture of myself in the toilet mirror and I looked nothing like what I imagined. Neckbeard still intact. Thank god.
🅿️ Whoever put this jumper on us this morning I hate itttt, we look like a cis lesbian instead of a trans lesbian aaaughhhhh
I look like I’d politely ask you for your pronouns and then misgender you I hate this
💿🧯💨🔥 IT’S SPREADING!!! 🔥🔥 FUUUCK
🎥 Gonna start buying really obnoxious hyper masculine candles and cologne. The scent’s tabacco and gasoline.
Also getting candy cigarettes so I can look cool without actually smoking.
God I love second hand smoke.
💿 To shampoo your body hair to make it alllll nice and fluffy.
You’ll be grateful once the full moon comes out and you’ve got the softest coat in the pack!
🅿️ I think when you’re closeted and subcontiously exploring gender, things get really interesting. Cause some of our oldest alters it’s like they’re Male to Transmasc in how they where created as cis men and then later just slowly realise they’re trans too.
Hm. Interesting..
🅿️ Somehow ended up transing our token cishet guy alter into being transmasc while listening to The Cliks.
🎥 Probably a good thing if we’re slowly getting closer in identity. Honestly the less cis people in our head the better.
🎥 ..Why’s it so common to find Aspecs who’re like, super hyperfixated on the thing they don’t have.
I mean we have made so much fanfiction, and played lovers, and thought about how awesome Polyamory is.
I still don’t know what romantic attraction feels like.
🎥 If I ever figure out how the fuck romance works while being romance repulsed, maybe I’ll turn into a wife guy one day in an open relationship. Do some polyam shit.
You know that could be nice actually.